12/24/2009: "Merry Christmas!"

A gift for you this Christmas....a mariokart wii update! So, ok, it may not be a ps4, or an ipod, but it sure beats a lump of coal in your stocking. Unless of course you were really cold and you needed a lump of coal for the fire. Then you're probably thinking "Thanks Shadow, but I can't burn a goddamn news update." I'm going to go and think about what I've done.

New Players
Welcome to: Manuela "Chiquita" Perez, David "I have the same name as Shadow's real life friend" Johnston, Sergio "Robin forgot to add me weeks ago" Borja, Raymond "Leprechaun" Dolan, Carlos "I'm running out of ideas" Fernandez, Noah "Ark" Gordon, Anita "Princess" Prinz, Nicholas "If your car breaks down.. Telford, McHenry "McLovin" Carlson, Austin "Yeah baby, yeah" Moore, Tyler "The first rule of mariokartclub is don't talk about mariokartclub" Martin

I'm going to have to stop doing that. Or start drinking more. Hmmm...

New Records
JC Salamida beat the old Moo Moo Meadows lap time of 0'23"990 with a time of: 0'23"789
Cookie Sancez beat the old Mushroom Gorge lap time of 0'12"200 with a time of: 0'12"009
Leif Leopold beat the old Bowser's Castle lap time of 0'43"095 with a time of: 0'42"897
JC Salamida beat the old N64 Sherbet Land lap time of 0'39"962 with a time of: 0'39"654
Tony Ruiz beat the old GCN Waluigi Stadium lap time of 0'36"078 with a time of: 0'35"952
Aziz Abdullah beat the old GBA Bowser's Castle 3 lap time of 0'38"514 with a time of: 0'38"459
Aziz Abdullah beat the old GCN Mario Circuit lap time of 0'29"014 with a time of: 0'28"863
David McPartland beat the old DS Peach Gardens crs time of 2'00"421 with a time of: 2'00"339
JC Salamida beat the old N64 Bowser's Castle lap time of 0'49"060 with a time of: 0'49"012

Movement

At the top of the charts #1 David McPartland is having a nice Christmas in his log cabin. Not only is he safely in the #1 spot, but he pulled away from the field this week. The field is now very far away and has lots of cows in it, which is secretly his one weakness, but since he lives on top of a mountain, that weakness is a bit Moot.

The rest of the top ten were pretty static apart from a slight upward climb from #8 Cole Gilbert, who'll be hoping not to get any coal this Christmas, unless....well...the reasons I said above. I didn't really go and think about what I did. I never learn. Anyway, Cole got a little closer to the 3 players in a bunch ahead of him. Apart from Cole, the rest totalled just 10 PRs between them but most of them just slept on the slope for a bit.

The people near the base of the mountain were having a bit of a relaxing time too. Maybe spending time watching cheesy Christmas movies instead of the important serious business of mariokarting. I'm presuming that one of them had a portable TV with him. I once saw a movie with Tom Hanks in it from the 80s where he had a TV built into his watch. Nobody believes me, but I saw it, and it was awesome. The watch, not the movie.
So whilst people were distracted, #18 Joe Sebeny took full advantage and PR'd a whole massive twice, to pass Gary. Someone who has forgotten it's Christmas, and was PRing 8 and a half times more than Joe, was #20 Jimmy Benson, who has the same name this week as he did last week, which makes me happy. He moves from the green pastures to the base of the mountain. Good job!

Some say the pasture is the best place to be. It's not as depressing as the wastes. It's not as smelly as the pit. It's not as cold as the mountain. It strikes a nice balance between being good at the game, and not being obsessive with it. And that's all well and good, but nobody remembers the guy who stayed in the pasture when Edmund Hillary climbed Everest. His name was Bob...Bob something or other. So enjoy the sunshine while it lasts, but know that I'm secretly disappointed in you.
One person true to form this week is #27 Robert van Zanten. I told Markus to keep his eyes open in the last update, but Robert got the best of him anyway. However, now a threat to Robert's upward momentum is coming from right behind. #28 Anis Taktak who reversed..uh...the ehmm..let me start that again. #28 Anis Taktak, who turned the tables on Dustin this week, also managed to pass the Markus too and 4 other players. Whilst #32 Dustin Enders did actually move up this week, he was also passed by a very rapidly moving #31 Eric Hacksell, who is either a serial killer, or a salesman, or both! I personally think if he teamed up with Enders, they'd make a good double-act. Hacking, Ending, Dusting, Selling. It could work! #41 Joshua Leutz moved passed Debenest whilst walking backwards this week, which made Emmanuel feel bad about himself. Finally, came a move which can only be described as epic. #44 Brandon Sansui somehow managed to escape the wastes this week, even though he was well behind the valley of vultures when it started. I can only assume he somehow managed to hitch a ride on one of them and fly all the way to the pasture. You'll like it here Brandon. It's nice and warm, and there's a river!

I don't know if they celebrate Christmas in the wastes, but I have a feeling they probably don't. Although if you could catch a vulture it might sort of taste like turkey or something like that. Someone just about escaping from the vultures this week is #61 Justin Best, who passes two dormant players in Pascua and Will and casually points them out to the vultures. Then we have some big news. #68 Rachel Emerson becomes our new female champion with a crazy 39 place move all the way from #107. Good job Rachel! Way to represent!
Someone who has just about started his climb is #72 Henrik Distel, who appeared from nowhere last week through a magic portal of mystery. He obviously forgot to close it after him, because following him this week is, #73 Ricardo Costa, who is our highest new entry to the AF chart. Another person escaping the pit this week is #86 David Lee, who passed 16 players with just 8 PRs, which breaks math. You may need to change your name to Bruce and fight Chuck Norris. Honourable mentions to #92 Agustin Berrios and #95 Luke Glendinningeninning Really? That's the name just just keeps on giving. Anyway, they both moved up some vital spots to keep them out of the pit. The sweet taste of victory goes to #99 Du Bois this week, who proves he's too strong for the pit. And finally, following on his coat tails (what?), is #100 Yannick Wiesner. He does just enough to snatch a top 100 spot. Great work all round people!

The passage of time means nothing for those in the pit. Do they know it's Christmas time at all? No. Not even a nice turkey-vulture to eat in there. Two people keeping their spirits up though are #108 Max Anossow and #109 Thibaud Bourdeau. They both inch their way up the rope this week, ever closer to freedom. Appearing directly on the rope itself is newcomer #112 Nicholas Telford whose portal is clearly messing with him. Everyone not on the rope is wandering mindlessly forward, a bit like lemmings (the pic really looks like lemmings now that I look at it). #124 Tyler Layton is currently searching his lemming backpack for materials to build a bridge straight to the rope, whilst #134 Pierre Ruffin hopes Tyler finishes it before he gets there. #157 Dexter Howe does just enough to keep the rope in sight at the end of the long tunnel, and finally #157 Manuela Perez is another new joiner this week and starts her long journey.

Honourable mentions this week to #208 Michael Rosnitschek and #272 Daniel Sampson, who both improved over half their times. As for everyone else....